I am 58 and my husband 45 we have been married 23 years have a daughter who is 21, last year of University. I found out 5 years ago that he was cheating with someone at work. At the time we were not getting on, don’t know if it was because of her existence, but he was always angry with me and very critical of everything I did. We stayed together, me because at my age I didn’t want to go looking for anyone new and was scared to be on my own. Besides, I had to think of my daughter who was studying and needed both our support. Him? I am not quite sure whether it was because of the money, as he would have had to lose half or maybe more of everything or whether because he felt bad abandoning us. He kept saying that it wasn’t because of the other woman but he wanted to be free. For the past 2 years I couldn’t have wished for a better husband. His attitude to me has changed. We hardly argue and spend lots of time together. Although I don’t tell him I love him, he tries to tell me in a jokey way, but I must confess I don’t completely trust him and am wary of his motives. Last night I asked to borrow his pen and was surprised that it was the kind of pen a woman would choose, it had Treasure written on it. I asked him where he got it from and he said he had bought it for himself. I know that this isn’t the kind of thing he would buy and he is so mean with money, he would never buy his own pen when there are lots of pens around the house he could take. I don’t know if I should spoil our present harmony by telling him that I suspect some woman has bought it for him. I know I am being childish, but can a person really change so much and what would make him change so?
I know it must be hard to move on from a marriage after such a long time and especially when we get older we feel like it’s harder to move on and find someone else so we settle to be in a relationship were there is no longer love, where we truly aren’t happy and for what? For comfort for security and for the children, but at the end of the day, the children move on and gain their own lives and then you are stuck in a relationship that isn’t even there anymore. Don’t be afraid to talk to your husband, you probably did not really talk about it the first time around, and if you suspect him of cheating on you again, you deserve to know the truth. Whether you stay with him or not is going to be your decision. However, since you stayed with him to begin with after finding out he cheated on you, and you know you will continue to stay with him again if he’s cheating on you again, then what is the point in finding out if he is or isn’t with another women? Communication is key in any relationship and I am getting the feeling that the two of you haven’t communicated in a long time. Be open with your husband if you want things to work, if you still truly love him then find a way to make it work. I haven’t been in your situation but I am the type of person that no matter how hard it may be, I think I would have left, because self respect is more important to me than comfort and security. Being Afraid to move forward is a fear that takes over us, a fear that ends up controlling our lives, but at the end of the day you are the only one that can control that fear and stand up for yourself and say “Enough is Enough”. If you don’t really want to know the answer (behind the pen) then try to move on and forget about it, if you feel you can’t and you really need to know then sit down with your husband and be honest with how you feel.
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