Advice Column: Wife wants to sleep with another woman. Image found on google.com/images
Advice Column: Wife wants to sleep with another woman
Dear Kristin Nicole
My wife told me that she has been having feelings for a co-worker of hers, at first I was conflicted because I thought she meant a guy but then she told me that it was another woman. I’m still conflicted with this because we have known each other for 10 years and she has never gave off that she likes other women. She told me that this other woman wants to sleep with her and she wouldn’t mind if I watched, but I don’t know what to think about this. Most men would love for their wives to sleep with another woman and be able to watch, but if she ends up wanting to sleep with other woman all the time, what do I do? She says I can’t join them, I can only watch. Do I let her sleep with this other woman or not?
~Husband
(Edited)
My Response:
Dear Husband;
I think you are right, I think most men would be thrilled to watch their wife or girlfriend be with another woman, but I understand your concern in regards to her wanting to do this more than once. Talk to your wife and ask her what has brought this on? Is this just a one time thing to get out of her system, out of curiosity? You need to think about this and you need to really be sure that you will be okay with your wife sleeping with another woman. Perhaps your wife is in the closet and isn’t sure which side of the bed she really wants to sleep on. This is a tough decision and you need to truly be okay with what your wife is asking. Communicate with your wife your concerns and make it clear that if you are okay with this, it can only happen once. Personally, I don’t think a man or woman should want to sleep with any other person and I think this is something she should have gotten out of her system before you got married but the fact that you have known her for so long and she has never done anything like this makes it seem like she is either bored or has always been curious of the same sex. Talk to your wife and make the decision together.
xo,
kristin nicole
I’m sorry, but this is awful and potentially harmful advice.
Sexuality tends to be fluid during a person’s lifetime and it is possible that this man’s wife has simply found herself attracted to women more than she has in the past. This doesn’t mean she doesn’t “know which side of the bed she wants to sleep on” – she can sleep on both, or partially on one side, or partially on the other).
Being attracted to another women (or another man!) does NOT mean that this woman loves her husband any less or is suddenly “bored” by him. If this woman wants to explore another side of her sexuality (which she may have not been familiar with), the most important thing would be for the husband to support her to do what makes her feel happy and to make sure to be open, honest and entirely frank about the whole thing – including two-way communication about fears and insecurities.
You say you “don’t think a man or woman should want to sleep with any other person”, this is a highly sex-negative attitude and is not appropriate for the 21st (or 20th!) century. As humans, our chemistry of attraction doesn’t change after we put a ring on our finger.
Breakups occur in these cases when one spouse feels jealous and threatened (and afraid he/she will be replaced), and the other spouse feels like he/she is not receiving the support he/she needs. Listen to each other, talk about your insecurities and support each other in discovering new and exciting things about your sexuality.
I don’t understand how my response is harmful? Your opinion is appreciated. I agree that things have changed in the 21st century however my belief is that a marriage is a commitment between two people that should not be shared by sleeping with other people, however I did state that if he was ok with his wife sleeping with another woman then it is entirely up to him. Your advice is noted just keep in mind many People have different opinions on this subject and one is not right over the other.
Have a wonderful day
xo
Kristin Nicole
Soapnights.com
Maybe sexuality is fluid, but a relationship is not. Relationships require consistency, dedication, and sacrifice. When it comes down to it the pursuit of your sexual desires are probably the least thing you will sacrifice for your relationship.
For some being open with sexual experiences and experimenting is a comfortable part of their relationship, for others being solely dedicated to each other is a critical part of their relationship. No matter what the scenario it is something the couple has to agree on to work out, this may require compromise or somebody not getting their way. Sometimes it doesn’t work out for people because they are so different sexually, but I doubt that’s the case in a marriage several years long.
In the relationship between my wife and myself I am the more adventurous of us by a long shot, and my wife has tried a lot of things she was originally uncofortable with; but she has also been clear about her boundaries. There are plenty of things I have thought about, researched, and asked about, but I have always respected her boundaries no matter how fun I thought it would be; because I respect her and I value our relationship significantly more than any pleasure I might get out of experimenting.
My whole hearted advice to anyone either side of a situation like this is to do your best to be considerate of your partner’s desires, but be clear and firm with your moral boundaries. What is fun and pleasurable for one person can be terrifying and hurtful for another, and those who are in a relationship are no exception. Relationships are dependent on compromise, and the sacrifices made ultimately benefit then couple in other ways. Neither lover should feel pressured to provide something that will hurt them and the relationship.
I like this reply .. so do you recommend couples doing this like this ?
Wow, I couldn’t agree more. Humans are promiscuous creatures by nature.
2 years ago, I caught my wife in multiple affairs. She was screwing her boss, then another coworker, it was really bad. I decided to save the relationship for our family ad also because I live her. During her affairs, she didn’t treat me much different. She just wanted to explore a side of herself that she couldn’t deny. It opened up a new chapter for us and even I had an affair after I found out, with a girl half my age.
We moved on from that confusing situation, but recently she told me that she would want to sleep with a woman.
I want her to do it, but not without full and open communication between us. It’s sex, nothing more. She has agreed to reciprocate and if it gets out of control, we stop.
We’re all going to die one day, then all of your wants and desires will vanish. Live your life, be respectful, honest, and open.
I disagree. I agree with Kristin Nicole that it should be one or the other. What do you do when there are children involved? For the feeling to be that strong that she brought this up to her husband, I feel it indicates she has made up her mind to be with the other woman. If they do get together, I don’t see her relationship with the other women ending. They must has sampled a little with kisses or hugs at work behind closed doors or had a discussion of how the man is at making love to her.
Hi Kristen,
I hope you don’t mind if I copy/paste from the email I sent you earlier:
By stating your opinions about marriage in the context of advice, you are reinforcing the notion that marriage is a non-flexible relationship structure. As an advice columnist, I think your responses should have included an explanation that marriages can and DO work outside of a more traditionalist-values binary. It would have been helpful if you would have pointed the husband to resources on the topic, and explained that although you personally prefer to live a monogamous lifestyle, millions of couples worldwide share relationships outside what is defined as heteronormative. This is very important, so he doesn’t feel lost or alone.
Is is extremely likely that the husband is not familiar with these kinds of cases nor does he know any of these couples personally, so pointing him in the direction of how his relationship CAN work tin a way which considers his wife’s desires is the correct step, in my opinion. Instead, you proposed solutions which tailor specifically to your own world view (“should only be done once”, etc).
Your comments about needing to “decide which side of the bed she sleeps on” and “this needed to be cleared up before the marriage” are hurtful, because you do not understand how the spectrum of human sexual attraction works (it changes and fluctuates throughout one’s life rather often) and insist people need to decide which specific gender they are attracted to – clearly not the case with pansexuals and bisexuals.
In a case where one of the partners in the relationship is coming out of the closet (in her case, either as a bisexual or as a curious heterosexual), the individual mostly feels extremely vulnerable – the absolute best thing the husband can do is be supportive and allow the wife to explore her own sexuality, and find out things about herself. Otherwise, she will either resent him, cheat on him, or feel unhappy.
Even if you prefer to live monogamously, my suggestion is that you read up on alternative relationship models. This will allow you to give people advice which is tailored to their specific condition, instead of yours. The spectrum of human relationships is huge and colorful.
Liron
I’d have to stand with Liron on the fact sexuality does in fact fluctuate and a relationship can survive one or both partners exploring new areas of the vast sexual universe, mainly due to a supporting feature of Marraige. Yes Holy Matrimony is a commitment to one singular person, however that is in the interest of LOVE which does not always coincide with SEX. Marraige is also a commitment to support your partner in all things, and if you find that perhaps you can find it in yourself to allow your partner tto explore, you may well be able to explore a new world yourself. As a man who is very well versed in this kind of situation, I must say that my wife and I are a stronger couple who are more widely pleased because of our exploring. Yes it was tense at first when she asked to be with a woman, yes it was tough to let her, yet now, years later we find that our own company in bed or no still trumps the simple cravings of a humane lust. Simply put, I’d suggest discussing his fears but allowing a trial run. Perhaps he may find she doesn’t like it, or even that he may have a place in the coming Lustful satisfactions. Either way, since he loves her and she loves him, if there is an issue with the arrangement then he could always ask his wife to pull back.
When one gets married, one makes promises of fidelity and manogmy, that is “forsaking all others and having only unto you for as long as we both shall live” also to “love, honour and cherish”. Twenty first century or not, that is the cold hard facts of life. There is no room for a third party in a marriage, otherwise it is adultery, and adultery is wrong, plain and simple. Oh, and don’t confuse cheating with adultery, negotiated infidelity is still adultery.
Her having the feelings and acting on them are two completely different things. I understand, and can agree with Liron about changes about what is and isn’t currently accepted, but I disagree at what I believe is a fundamental point. They are married and this discovery does not include the husband, yet. She has feelings and wants to explore them. Not explore together. She has made it about her and her alone, and conceding, “You can watch.” is not the same as inclusion. She married her spouse, and as such entered a covenant between them. If he isn’t ok with it, then it is just cheating. Open relationships only work when they are truly open. If it hasn’t been discussed fully, and accepted fully by both partners, it will NOT end well. Regardless of her opening herself to new experiences, she’d be opening him up to possible heartbreak and eventual divorce. If the author disagrees and believes that a marriage can’t include other expressions of love or interests that a consenting couple agrees to, then I believe her advice is wrong, but Lirons, on the other hand, seems to neglect the husband’s feelings and point of view entirely. Talk it out, talk it to death, run it into the ground, but don’t act on anything until both parties are in complete agreement and emotionally accepting of the overall decision.
If you truely love someone you will set them free rather than stiffle them. If they are open with you, be open with them, but don’t try and control the situation, rather try to be understanding and accepting. If you cannot get to that place then you have already lost. To be with someone completely does not require marrage it requires LOVE and if you love someone deeply enough then even if it breaks your heart you will give them what they need in order that they don’t go through the rest of there lives living a lie.
If he follows your advice, he is going to end in a co-dependent relationship feeling quite miserable. He has no other option than to let her love this woman and act on it if the two women both want it since he cannot change her feelings anyway. She does not need his permission to kiss another woman or to have sex with her. However, he can file for divorce as soon as he feels that she does not love him any longer. He can start another relationship himself with a woman who really loves him.
If you have truly experienced heartbreak from a marriage then you will understand what I am about to say to you.
Once you feel that your spouse wants someone other than the person they Married, insecurities grow and I mean they grow large. This builds over time and to agree to allow your Wife/Husband to venture outside of your marriage, the proverbial “Pandora’s Box” will be opened. If you told your wife that you would like to experience something with a man, I wonder if she would be so inclined to support that.
People who seem to want their own desires are not so willing to submit to the desires of someone else. Because after a man has slept with another man and he hangs out late doing anything else, she will automatically think he is with that man again. That is the same if a woman sleeps with another woman.
I don’t swing that way, but I know what jealousy and insecurities do to a marriage. Understanding what someone desires in a marriage is one thing, adding someone else to your marriage can and will eventually destroy your marriage. After 20 yrs of marriage and now divorced I am telling you what i know. 21st century or 200 B.C. the insecurities that happen in a relationship are real. When you say “FORSAKE all others” you have entered into a binding emotional contract of someones heart. This is not a contract on paper that you can break, if you break this contract you are breaking someones heart.
Or try this on for size, the woman your wife and you agreed to let into your marriage now likes the husband more than the woman. Now they are having more fun in the bed and the wife is no longer included. Will she be ok with those results? I think not. Once you say yes, you throw the dice with your marriage. you are letting the chips fall where they may. I don’t know about you, but I didn’t get married to gamble on our relationship.
My future wife has just bought this to my attention and we have an open discussion about it. In any discussion each side has a point that they stick with, the bottom line so to speak. I cannot agree to this and as much as I love her, I know where it will lead. So I am sorry that you have to face what I am facing, but it will be easier to lose a fiance then it would be to lose another wife. My prayers are with you
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I am living through this situation now. Although alternative marriages are an option they don’t work for everyone. I married my wife knowing she was bisexual. She had many partners in the past and I had a couple. We gave never had an ideal sex life but it was manageable. After 12 years of marriage she decided she wanted to “have sex” with another woman. What she really wanted was a full on relationship not including me in anyway. I tried to work this out with her, but she lied so we stopped it. 2 years later the same thing. We tried an “open relationship” but she could not tolerate me going on dates, but she still wanted to have relationships. It tore us apart I asked her to renegotiate things but she felt she was entitled to this because she is bisexual and I was not entitled because I work out of the home. I know maybe most people don’t think that way but open relationships can be extremely complicated and open the way for marital destruction. I guess in my case things were doomed at the outset.
Go for it. When they are done bang the other woman and let your wife watch. I let my wife watch me perform oral sex on another man and then she had intercourse with him. Our relationship has never been better.
There are no reasons or situations in any relationship where a third person should be allowed . If you promised to be faithful ( in any relationship any sexuality ) then that is what it must be . There is no going back , there is no making it right again . My suggestion is that a relation ship that needs a third person is on the road to ruin . Fight for your relationship , pep it up , look at why she needs to sleep with this other woman ! Get some help together or ….. Let it go . You should both share the same value base.
Here is my true story. My wife was like yours. Out of the blue she started fantasizing about women. However, she did not want to jeopardise our marriage by seeing women without me. Her solution was to invite her best girlfriend to have sex with us and guess what? We all liked is so much that we ended up with her gf moving into our house and remaining our shared girlfriend for almost 40 years. We had a great life and sex was never boring because both women were up for anything at least once. Our normal sex was a threesome and yet I never told guys who wished for just one threesome that i had a few thousand over 40 years. Funny but we never thought that we were not normal or wake up thinking about sex or bisexuality. We just lived out lives as three people in love.
My wife is a one man, one woman kind of gal and despite some early experimentation, she did not like sex with anyone but her girlfriend and me and so we formed our polyfidelitous triad and just had sex with each other. None of us every got jealous and nothing was off limits. Life can be good even if your wife does not want you to join in. However, after she has had a few women she may change her mind about that.
Bisexually is more than just sticking her hand down someone’s pants and being satisfied with whatever you find down there. My wife likes some things from me during sex and some from her girlfriend. She will only have sex with her girlfriend in a threesome, never one on one. My wife is in her sixties and still does not know her sexual identity. She basically says that she falls in love with the person and their sex does not matter but she does not feel right having sex without me. Lucky me and I know it.
She will do it anyway if she wants to so yes I would. Same for another man.
I just wanted to say that I’m currently going through this situation and I also don’t know what to do!
We’ve been together for 16 years and always had a great sex life until recently. She suddenly decided that she wanted to have sexual relations with her “divorced” friend. We have 2 younger kids and now I’m very worried that her selfish desires might ruin our family.
There are 2 train of thoughts that I’m trying to juggle with.
1- if you love her you should set her free
2- She agreed to be monogamous when we got married!
I’m quite secure and have no issues letting her hang out with other men and women. Even going to parties and crashing overnight on her own. But this whole sex with the same gender thing is going overboard to me.
Gay, just beat the bitch and show her your the man, your a dude so find your balls and stop being a coward.
My husband wants another woman to join us in the bedroom and I decided that I wanted to try to sleep with a woman first before she joins us and if I like it I want to keep her around and still keep my husband. What do I do? Help in Idaho
This is a hard situation because even if you build boundaries, you don’t know what feelings may come to play in the relationship later down the road. You definitely need to discuss this and determine if this is what you both really want. Good luck. xo – kristin nicole
My wife was in two very controlling marriages before ours. When we started dating, I was very open about my sexcapades. She very much appreciated my honesty and soon opened up about her desire to sleep with other women. I enthusiastically encouraged her to explore her desires. She has always said she doesn’t want a “girlfriend”. Just friends she could sleep with on occasion. Without boring you with the details, we have evolved to the point where we meet other secure couples. Believe me, there are thousands upon thousands of couples out there who enjoy these types of adventures. Basically, we are always in the same room, we can do everything with the opposite sex except intercorse. And she always has lots of time to have sex with the other woman. We do this maybe 6 times a year and fun is had by all. Best of all, our bond has become so strong and our love making is frequent and amazing. When we are with other couples, we are having crazy fun. When we are alone together, it is pure love.
Just be open, honest and set your rules beforehand. And stick to those rules. And realize this is all for having a crazy-fun experience together. If you are at all a jealous person, don’t do it. It will not work.
I have been married for 17 years, I just recently discovered that my wife has been in a relationship with another woman for 2 years. This woman has been friends with my wife for a very long time, 30 plus years. She is also married with kids. I considered our marriage to be strong until I found out the secret life. The big problem I’m having with our relationship is trust, I do not trust her and how do I go on in life not trusting the person I love. I always put the kids before myself, therefore I’m pretty certain I would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship, like having an affair. The funny thing about this situation is that she see’s this as nothing to be worried about. Her friend is happily married and so are we and she do not see herself with anyone else but me. It’s just two girls having a little sexual fun sending pictures and videos to each other and writing stories about what one is going to do with the other. Am I being selfish, by feeling betrayed, jealous and let down? Will time repair the hurt in my heart. Can I live with this situation? I feel like I wan’t to go out and have an affair of my own, but what problems will this cause? I just wish I had someone I could trust and talk to, but this situation is so sensitive I have no idea how to handle it. I am lost…..
My wife recently told me that she has felt attracted to other women, probably for years, and kept it deep inside. She’s never been with another woman , and would like to do so. I feel that I should be supportive, we’ve been together 20 years, married for 16. When I told her that I support her, I saw that spark come back into her smile. We’ve had sex 3 nights in a row , which hasn’t happened in like 11 years. I’ve let her sample her own juices, and she is DEFINITELY bi.
You have to have a super strong marriage, knowing that she doesn’t want to change the situation , just add to it. Let her do it, if you’re in love enough and secure enough..
This is a very Good reason why many marriages break up today since so many women that really do desire to sleep with other women and have done so already have certainly Destroyed good marriages with their husbands which is a real shame especially if you have children. And i am sure many other women that haven’t done it yet are very seriously thinking about it since this could lead you into having a relationship with her which will be very bad for the husband that you are with right now that will really Devastate him and your family. Think again.
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I know this is an old story, but I couldn’t resist commenting. When the wife denied the husband the chance to join in, that was the red flag of selfishness. If the wife was solely looking to experiment sexually, then she would have jumped at the chance to get her husband involved. Just because the co-worker is a woman, doesn’t change the fact she wants to sleep with someone outside of the relationship. My guess is the wife is caught up in her feelings and isn’t thinking things through. If I were the husband, I would tell her she could go through with it only if she is willing to sit and watch me bang another woman in front of her, first.
Your logic is very strange. She did not ask her husband to watch her have sex with another man.
i am enduring this in my life now. 25 years together, a beautiful son, and home etc..
we never shared lesbian fantasies, she exposed a minor desire years ago but suppressed it like a deep dark secret, she came to me last year and asked if she could be with another woman, without me, i was pretty pissed. this to me isn’t exploring a fantasy, i fantasize about other woman but would never consider an act because my wife is beautiful and satisfies me completely!
for her to come to me with this and gamble our marriage on sex shows me that she’s willing to roll the dice on everything we have together. a year later it still plagues us. i will most likely lose everything I’ve worked to achieve so she can have fun
I have been married to my wife 25 years, she has now came out as Bi but also wants to experience other men.
I have supported her in her wish in finding her prospective partners and friends. It all happens above board with me at home able to walk in and watch if I so wish.
My wife doesn’t wish to leave me and we have a healthy sex life but she also wish to experience other things and I am fine with that too.