Advice Column: Sexual Relationship with… – Image found on Google.com/Images
Advice Column: Sexual Relationship with….
My husband left me because he said he needed space and time for himself and wants to be free. I pretended to let him go because when we were together I suffocated him by being clingy and needy. We decided to remain ‘Friends with Benefits’ and act like before except we don’t live together anymore. [sic].
I have two conflicting emotions on this:
1. I don’t want to lose him completely and I’m happy he is still attracted to me and 2. It kills me that he doesn’t stay over. He said; “at least not yet because we have to get used to our ‘NEW’ set-up,” but it kills me more that I don’t have a husband anymore. He is having fun being free and all, while I cannot stop thinking about what it could’ve been for us. What should I do?
My Response:
Dear Friends with Benefits;
Your husband left because he needed space, yet he still comes back just to have sex. He is having his cake and eating it too (like that the saying goes). You need to stop and communicate with your husband, either he is fully committed to this marriage or he is not, but he can’t keep coming around just to sleep with you and going back to his own place whenever he wants to. Do you know what he is doing when he’s not with you? Have you spoken about your relationship at all since the split? Is he dating other women? These are all questions you should be asking. Don’t let him just use you for sex, even if you enjoy it. If what you want is your husband back and you have realized you were clingy before and he doesn’t like that then you both need to work on your issues but it doesn’t mean that he needs to move out in order to fix things. In a marriage there is no break, there is no get my own place and there is no “Friends with Benefits”. You are MARRIED, you are his WIFE, not his Friend! Talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. Get your marriage back on track and stop acting as if you were just dating.
xo,
kristin nicole
I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com (2011)
Hi, thanks for featuring my question from yahoo answers. The FWB setup with my husband is originally mine because I was feeling terribly guilty that the guy who used to be soooooo crazily in love with me was driven down to the point of leaving me. I hurt him so badly because of my insecurity, nagging, and my occasional outbursts. He is a very sensitive guy who will often hug me in the middle of the night and start crying for an hour, and I know I have caused all of those pain. He said he is sooo badly traumatised by our relationship that he will never see other women, at least not in the foreseeable future.
I feel so guilty, that’s why I offered being FWB. I can feel deep within that he STILL loves me, because when he is reminded of what happened, he get so fuming mad that this emotion could have only stemmed from something which is also as strong as love.
Although you may have caused him pain in the past, it is still not healthy to be separated and just use each other for sex. If you want your husband back then tell him. You need to work on your marriage together and communicate to each other what it is you really want from this marriage. You don’t want to just end up being his bed partner and not his partner in life, do you? You have to let go of the guilt and he has to forgive you for the past if you want to move passed all this. Good luck.
If you ever need to talk you can always email me soapnights@gmail.com.
xo,
kristin nicole
It is unreal how similar my story is to the original question and to a point with the second. My husband just left over a week ago and it was the same excuse. I need my space blah blah blah. I felt that I caused it and that in order to be a good wife I needed to give him his time, so I did and yet it is backfiring.! He seldom talks to me and when I call him he DOES NOT want to talk to me. Yet he is ok with the idea of FWB and I like it because I feel that he might come home but then when he leaves right after to go back to his place I feel used. I just wish I wasstrong enough to talk to him or to just stop, but honestly I’m afraid that if we do stop he will be gone and sleep with other women and that leads to the next thing and the next thing and the next then what do ya know, boom he never comes back to me. :'(
-confused wife of a jerk.
Dear Confused wife of a jerk,
Don’t be afraid to say how you feel. Stand up for yourself. If you aren’t happy with the way things are, more than likely they aren’t going to get any better. He has the best of both worlds right now. He’s getting the milk for free and then he doesn’t have to cuddle or listen to you afterwards, he gets to go to his apartment and be by himself. If he truly loved you, he would be trying to figure out how to work things out, not leave and barely talk to you. I know it’s scary to lose someone you love, but haven’t you already lost him in a way? You are only prolonging the inevitable, if it’s meant to be then it will work out, but if it’s not, wouldn’t you rather just know now and be able to move on, than to keep holding onto something that is already gone? You deserve someone who will want to be with you and someone who will appreciate you and love you.
Don’t give up, but don’t let him walk all over you. Say what you feel and stick to it.
xo,
kristin nicole
I have one of the most crazy cases yet of this mess.
Tell me all about it – maybe I can help 🙂