The Question:
I can remember back just a few weeks ago, we were fine. Although I noticed he was staying out a lot more often, I asked him if everything was okay and if it was me, he said no and that he was still very in love with me. We started talking about baby-making just a few weeks ago, and he said he wouldn’t mind if we got pregnant right now, he said he would be happy about it. So, I let him know I was ovulating, we did it, and now I’m pregnant. As soon as I told him I was pregnant, he takes his wedding ring off and tells me he wants a divorce, that he isn’t ready for all of this. We’ve been married for four years. We’ve got one child at home already. So, I am really confused now. He told me he was serious about getting divorce papers.
But that was all he has said about it, it’s been a week, and he hasn’t mentioned it anymore. He is still coming home at night, but not telling me that he loves me anymore. For example, when he leaves to go somewhere, I always say, “bye sweetie, I love you”, He just started saying “yep” and nods his head and walks out the door, even before he goes to work in the morning. He is still sleeping in the same bed with me, and all of that, but we’re not having sex right now since he found out about the preg.
One of his buds that he works with that I am also pretty good friends with says he has been talking about divorcing me for over a month now! Why would he do all of this to me? I am so confused. I don’t know what he wants bc he hasn’t brought it up anymore. He’s only known about the preg. for one week, which is when he brought up the divorce. He has no reason, he just says he’s not in love with me anymore and he’s not happy. Just last week we were normal! He has seemed distant, and I’m almost 7 wks preg, so yes, I have been emotional, so maybe that’s why he feels this way? I was crying a lot over the passed few weeks and didn’t even know I was pregnant.
What should I do? Should I bring up the divorce subject again or just let him sort himself out? I love him, I’m willing to wait on him, but I’m not willing to live in the same house with the man I love while he walks all over me and doesn’t show consideration for my feelings. I’ve been trying not to be emotional around him lately and hope that he will come back around. I don’t want to push this because it is too stressful and I’m still in the vulnerable part of my pregnancy.
He is still talking to me, but not about personal things, just about things on the news, what happened at work, etc. He even brought a sub home for me last night after he got finished fourwheeling with his buds. He doesn’t really stay home a lot anymore, and he said that it was bc he wasn’t in love with me. I don’t know what to believe. Just the other day he said it was bc he got a new “toy” (his fourwheeler) and wanted to have fun with it (that was before the preg.). … he is sending me too many mixed signals and messages.
I’m so hurt, and confused. I don’t know what is going to happen to us. I’ve been praying a lot. I love him so much, he is my world. I still feel the connection between us and for some reason I feel like he is not being sincere when he says he don’t love me. I don’t know what to do. I cant’ believe he has been talking to his friends about this for over a month and keeping me in the dark and leading me on. He’s acting like we’ve never been married.
My response:
Dear prego;
Wow I am completely shocked by your story. I don’t understand, you have been married for 4 years which means you probably have been together for even longer. He tells you he is in love with you and wants to have a baby, so you make a baby and he just flips the script and says he wants a divorce he’s NOT in love with you anymore? Am I getting all this right?? Don’t you dare sit back and wait for him to come around, you have a child already in the house you have to think about and one on the way. I know this is painful but do you want to be with a man that doesn’t love you the way you love him? You need to sit down with him right away and talk to him, ask him what he truly wants and why did he just tell you a month ago that he loved you and wanted to have a baby only to tell you after you were pregnant that he doesn’t love you and wants a divorce? This is going to be hard, and you are going to have to be strong, but if he wants a divorce then he needs to get out of the house, there is no reason for him to be sleeping in the same bed next to you acting as if he was your roommate and not your husband. This is unacceptable and you need to see this. You need to love yourself and respect yourself enough to know that what he is doing to you and your children isn’t right and neither of you deserve this kind of treatment. He may be going through some stuff at work or some emotional confusion, but what confuses me is that this isn’t his first child, the two of you already have a child together so I don’t think he’s getting scared because of the baby that’s on the way, it has to be something else and you need to find answers. This is hard because you are already 7 weeks pregnant and I don’t know if you believe in abortion, if you don’t then ignore what I’m about to say, but if you do it is something you definitely need to think about. Do you want to bring another baby into the world with all the problems you are having with your husband right now. It is a possibility that you will get divorced and that you’ll then have to raise your two kids alone. It is also a possibility that he’s going through some type of emotional confusion and the two of you can try going to a marriage counselor, you have to at least try so that you know you tried to make it work for your family, but don’t lower yourself and take him living there as if nothing is wrong when you know there is something definitely wrong. Good luck and keep me updated.
xo,
kristin nicole
I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com
I’m in a similar situation right now I have been with my husband for 8 years we have a 5 and a 6 year old. I just found out I am 7 weeks pregnant with our third child. He doesn’t want this baby and has asked me for a divorce. He told me that I should have an abortion or give the baby up for adoption, after I had my 5 year old I was told it would be very hard for me to get pregnant again, too me this baby is a blessing how can I possibly have an abortion. Right now i’m in the process of trying to find a way to move out. He has told me that he should have got rid of me before our first son was born that he should have not married me and that we are in a loveless marriage ( I guess on his part because I love him very much. He just wants to be free, he has told me that he hates me and wants me dead. So i am not one to give you advise I just want you to know that you are not alone.
Rosa,
Do not get an abortion, this child is a blessing, especially knowing it is difficult for you to have children. However, get out of this marriage, he is emotionally abusing you, and I don’t care how much you don’t want to be with a person, you do not deny your children and you do not wish someone dead. If he wants a divorce give him one, get a good lawyer and stay in your house. You have a child and are pregnant, if anyone needs to leave it is him. It has been his choice to leave anyway, so why not leave your home. You need to get out of this marriage now, and it is not going to be easy, and it is even harder for you because you have a child and one on the way, but you do not want your children to be raised around this abusive relationship. If you need more advice email me at soapnights@gmail.com
xo,
kristin nicole
Remember we all built our own faiths, be strong because the only one that matters is YOU, and your CHILDREN!
I know how you feel. I have a 9 month old, who I adore. My husband and I were married for three years, together for four. He had become so distant in the time leading up to our son’s birth, and a couple months after he was born my husband asked if we could live in seperate homes (there are two on our property). He got drunk one night and let everything out–screamed at me about how I was a terrible wife and mother, and that he wants a divorce and to go back home to my parents. I gave him exactly what he asked for. I’ve been in the process of getting divorced from him for six months now, and it hasn’t been pretty. He denied our son in front of the Judge and was not granted any visitation. Meanwhile I have taken on all the marital debt and bills, relocated and found work, and am trying my best to raise my son. I haven’t received child support in months or any money to help with the bills. I am so dissapointed in him. He asks me if he can see our son, and I have to tell him no because that’s what the Judge ordered. In truth, I miss my husband. I wish he would’ve straightened up, and done right by me and the boy. He wants me to come home. I can’t do it. I love my son too much to put him through seeing his mother upset all the time, depressed, and a father who is never around. I hold him and I love that baby, it’s all I have to hold on to.
You are doing the right thing even if it feels hard and like sometimes you should try to make it work with your husband, but if he denied your child in front of a judge he only now has to live with the consequences. It is hard now but in the end you will do what is right for your son. You are a great mother, don’t ever stop putting your son first.
If you ever need advice don’t hesitate to ask.
xo,
kristin nicole
i am 9 months pregnant and my husband and i have been married for a year. ever since i found out i was pregnant (accident) he says that i did it on purpose that i have to choose between him and a kid. after a few months he enjoyed it. he loved talking about the baby. now that the time is coming closer, he stopped going to work..im still working, he stays home all day, talks down to me, calls me fat says he hates me tells me to die and he wants a divorce. but then the next day he will be fine. it is too much pressure consdiering how close i am to birth that i am so stuck. i can’t really do anything until after birth but AHHH im out of answers
My husband and I have been together for two years, married for one, and I have our first one on the way. At first, he was uber-excited when I showed him the ultrasound pictures, but after month four, all the happiness stopped. Now, he’s either sleeping right after he gets off work until he has to go back, or else he’s up all night texting/”playing video games” when I know he’s sneaking out of the house for God only knows what. I have reason to believe that he’s been seeing another woman, but I don’t have any money to leave him, as he comes from a rich family and all of mine has disowned me. If I left him, he would get custody because he’d be better-suited to care for the baby, but he’d never do it because he likes to sleep for (at least) sixteen hours at a time, and I doubt his little redheaded hussy would want to raise a kid that’s not hers. He doesn’t say he loves me anymore, he wants nothing to do with me if I start talking about the pregnancy… if I bring it up, he leaves the room, or starts talking about bills and how we’re financially screwed from now on. I don’t have any friends to rely on, because they’re all still in the partying stage (basically, when I stopped drinking every weekend, they stopped talking to me), and I haven’t heard from any of them in about two years. Depressed, exhausted and running out of options. Oh, and for the icing on the cake? Whenever my “loving hubby” has talked about having kids, they’d always had red hair in his dream. Please help.
I replied to your email, but I’m not sure if you got it, Hope you did. I also posted your question on my site on Tuesday 07/26/11 and answered your question. Hope I can help.
If you need more advice or just want to talk don’t hesitate to email me. soapnights@gmail.com
Good luck.
xo,
kristin nicole
I’m now 17 weeks pregnant and am starting showing. Before getting pregnant, we were talking about me getting pregnant many times. He told he wants us to have a kid sometimes soon. However, after I told him that I’m pregnant, he said he is not ready for the baby. Initially he wanted me to consider an abortion. I told him that if he ever will tell that again I’ll just leave. AFter that, he just ignores the fact that I’m pregnant. He doesn’t want to talk about that at all. If I start hinting on it, he says, “don’t put so much pressure on me”. He also puts his hand against my stomach pressing on it as if it will prevent him from fatherhood. He is not concerned about my pregnancy. He yells at me for small reasons and then apologizes and kisses me and tells me how much he loves me and that he will never will hurt my feelings again.
Im going through the same thing me and my husband been married a year. We have been trying for a baby now that im 3 mths pregnant its like he doesn’t care. He skip out on dr appointment he has been away lately he say he working out of town. I’ve accused him of cheating he said it not true that he loves me we just have issues that need to be worked out. But he avoid me every time I try to talk about it. We are still having sex but his just not coming home like he was weeks ago he even bailed on Xmas that’s I i hit the fan and told I was done and come get his stuff. That’s not really what i want i love him he says he love me but y isn’t he here. Im not going be just a wife and home he can come to when he gets ready.
After being with my spouse for 4 years, i filed for a divorce because I could no longer deal with other women in our marriage at the levels he secretly kept them at. For almost the entire time of our relationship i found myself in therapy blaming myself because he was hiding stuff from me. I am still not sure if he actually had sex with someone else during this time frame, but it was like every few months I would find stuff that quickly became a moral question to me. Anyways, recently I had found some very inappropriate emails to another woman and I had it. I filed for a divorce. Within a week of filing I found out I was pregnant. Needless to say, I have waited a long time and we had tried to get pregnant for a couple years and couldn’t. I’m 34 and have no children and I really think God worked in some mysterious way and made this happen. My heart and my mind are completely out of sync and of course now my emotions are getting the best of me. The hardest thing for me to deal with is wondering if I am making the right decision of leaving or not. I have moved out and we barely speak. All this has happened in under a month now and he told me the other day he was dating someone else.
I wasn’t perfect either, I turned into a very insecure person and found that he could do no right over the last few years. It wasn’t that I didn’t try to believe him because God knows I wanted to, it was just every few months I would find something new that I felt was very disrespectful to our marriage and we would fight. He would blame me for EVERYTHING…. so pretty soon I found that anything good he did ended up being scratched away because of those disrespectful things when they happened.
I hope you all understand that this is just my side and I am sure his side is different. Its just I needed to get this off my chest because I am having a hard time dealing with everything. My biggest heartbreak is doing my best to make the child about the child and NOT about him and me. He already has a 12 year old kid in which he hasn’t seen in over 7 years because its “all the mother’s fault”. He does talk to him once in awhile and occassionally sends him gifts, and I am trying to face the fact that he will probabley do the same with me.
I am truly sorry for what you are going through. A baby should be a blessing and not something that to go through alone. Remember though, that this child is a gift, and no matter what happens you will have to be strong for him/her. I know it may be hard now, and raising a child alone is not easy, but it is better than living with a person who is cheating on you and who does not love or respect you. You may not see it now, but everything happens for a reason, and one day you will see that life without him is better than living a sad life with him.
xo,
kristin nicole
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I know how you feel. I’m 12 weeks pregnant and so far am having a rough one. It’s to much for my husband he says he’s sexual frustrated and that I have been a moody bitch. He’s trying to start his own company but isn’t really doing anything… he’s working on a roof now but is so unprofessional about it and has never worked on it a whole work day.
So today he tells me that he needs money for I don’t know what, because of insurance my checks suck, I had already given him 80 and I kinda need things too so I wouldn’t budge. His response was to pawn his tools and he told me he was leaving me. packed up all of his stuff, told me I was a psycho and off he went to pawn not only his tools but my rings as well. He wants nothing to do with the baby he had to have, now I’m stuck and alone.
Men are disgusting, selfish pricks. If your husband really does leave you, perhaps you should take everything he has… I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but this is no way to treat a woman, a wife, or the mother of your unborn child. Marriage doesn’t even seem to mean anything anymore, just get up and say a bunch or words that they don’t mean… If the grass on the other side is greener then perhaps you should water your own so to speak.
I’m very sorry that this is happening to you. I’m sure it helps to vent but I and I’m sure many others Understand the crushing pain that goes along with it.