Dear Kristin Nicole;
I have been with my boyfriend for a year, it has not been easy, we started out just okay. Both wanting a life long partner. He is 54 and I am 48, both been married a few times both have a few children. We both have a thirty year old and a seven-year-old child and a few between. We have a lot in common and a lot of the same interest. We both feel we need to be in control and are a like. Neither one likes to give in. We love each other at least I do but can’t read his mind. His sister said, “If he did not care for you he would not even bother.” So let me get to the problem.
I love this guy but he does not give me any affection what so ever now, No kiss, No touch, No sex, we fight all the time about it. I want it and he tells me you nag and you will not get it, shut your mouth, it is your mouth. [sic]. I try not to say anything, one, two, three and so on in weeks and still he will not even come to bed. He said he does it to teach me a lesson. In one year he might have been to bed 30-40 times an average of once every two-three weeks, it is so lonely. He stays in the room with me but sleeps in a office chair. It is killing me, I cannot stand it anymore, I feel so lonely. I cry almost every night. A few months ago I began to sleep in my daughters’ room, then down stairs, and now in the office of my company, just so he cannot hurt me by not coming to bed.
We both are pretty good looking people, I only think about making love to him. I do not want to be with anyone else and cannot even think about cheating, like I said he is a very good looking man, we both look young and I am sure he is not cheating but this just makes a person think what is wrong. The other thing is that he has only cum inside of me twice, and I always want him to do it in my mouth [sic], but he makes me feel like he does not want me. The sex has always been bad. I feel like I cannot please him. He will do everything to show me he is right, even giving in gets me nowhere. Now I feel he is just tired of me. I am a very loving and giving person and giving him breakfast in bed every day. He has a drug problem that does not help but I do not use myself. He started excluding me out of friends because he feels bad to use in front of me. Yes I do make a few comments but do not nag on that. Also I had my second stroke on 2/20/2013. Walking and doing better now. He was there for me in a way but he did not know how to help me; he is very selfish, but gave me the time he could and I did not make it easy for him. Anyways what you have here is two very selfish people that love each other and neither one knows how to give in and it is killing both of us, at least me. Help!!!!!!!!
~ Too many problems but not wanting to give up.
(Revised by KN)
Dear Too many problems but not wanting to give up;
It seems to me that you already know there is problems in this relationship and although you acknowledge them you don’t want to accept them. If he isn’t giving you attention, sleeping with you, having sex with you, talking to you and he’s on drugs, then there is something really wrong here. I don’t know what drugs he is on but this is the number one issue to start with. If you have a young child, it isn’t healthy that he is doing drugs. This can also be causing him to not have a sexual appetite. If he is depressed this can also cause a low sex drive. There are numerous reasons he may be acting like he is. It can be the drugs, it can be that he just doesn’t care, it can be that he’s cheating on you, it can be a million things. You need to try and talk to him, tell him you want to make this marriage work but not being intimate and ignoring you is not the answer. The excuse you said he gives you about “teaching you a lesson”, WHAT LESSON? Men don’t normally think like that, at least not any man I have ever met. If anything your punishment would be in the bedroom, not avoiding you. It sounds like you want to try new things and that you aren’t closed off to doing anything kinky or otherwise, so why he doesn’t want to have sex with you is beyond me. The only advice I can give you, is TALK to him. Try to go to counseling and explain what you are feeling. You have two choices, you live with it and be miserable or you realize that he’s a complete ASS and get out of this relationship. You deserver someone better, someone who will listen and talk to you, someone who will have sex with you and love you and someone who won’t put you down. You also deserve someone who isn’t on drugs and ruining their life and the life of your child. Think about it….