The Question:
Dear Kristin Nicole;
I am in desperate need of help. I have been in a relationship for few years now. We are both 24, and want to get engaged. In our culture we have to have our parents permission to get engaged and for the engagement ceremony the parents sit down and decide a date etc. His parents had no reason to say no to this relationship (I am as educated as he is, I earn as much as he does, we are from the same culture, same religion, same caste, same well educated family background, as good looking as he is, loves him as much he does me). His parents first made some excuses but then allowed us to date, but when it started getting serious they have been stubborn and blackmailing him (by saying they will die if he moves out and gets married to me) beating him up (I AM SERIOUS. they are beating up a 24 year old guy). They lock him up in the room just so that he cant come see me… torturing him by saying things like the will kill themselves if he gets married to me, that he has forgotten their 24 years of raising him, for one girl etc. His parents even called my parents and abused them and asked them for me to loose contact with him. TALKING and asking for reasons doesn’t work, all they have to say is “we feel that if you guys get married it will end up in a divorce”. His parents haven’t even met me yet and they said no because they feel he loves me so much and I will take advantage of it in future.
He loves me a lot and he has been going through all this suffering just to get a YES from his parents. (because he doesn’t want his parents to blame me for snatching away their child in future) now he has finally decided to move out after 3 months of painful suffering just because of me. I don’t know why I feel guilty for his separation from his parents! I feel if I never came to his life he wouldn’t have gone through all this **** and crap! Am I doing the wrong thing by wanting to spend my life with him and by making him move out of his house?
What is the best solution in this situation? I NEED HELP. I have been under severe depression and stress and frustration and I cant take it anymore. I NEED TO KNOW IF THERE IS ANY OTHER SOLUTION???
Waiting for your reply…
~guilty
My Response:
Dear Guilty;
It seems to me that no matter what woman your boyfriend was going to take home, they weren’t going to be good enough for his family. If they haven’t even met you yet, they have no right to judge. I understand that in these types of religions that the parents have a little more control over the situation. (I am not sure what religion you are and the extent of the situation). However, no parent, I don’t care what religion you are, has the right to abuse a child. Locking him up in his room is abuse and that is not to be taken lightly. Your boyfriend is no longer a child but a 24 year old man, and if he chooses to move out of his home, it is his right and his decision. I understand that he moved out to be with you, but you cannot blame yourself for the situation that stands between his parents and himself. His parents obviously have some issues they need to attend to, and your boyfriend needs to stand up and talk to them, explain to them that you both don’t want them to not be in your lives but that they need to understand that he loves you and all the both of you want is for them to give you their blessing and accept you into their family. I know it’s easier said than done, but maybe you need to go together to speak to his parents. Talk to your boyfriend first and explain to him how you feel, I am sure he does not blame you for leaving his house, this was his decision and he is a grown man. Communication is key in any relationship, you can’t hold in what you are feeling, you need to talk to your boyfriend and try to see what you can do together to make this relationship work. Don’t feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong but love your boyfriend….
Good luck
xo,
kristin nicole
If you need more advice don’t hesitate to email me.
hey kristin,
thanks for the help. i really appreciate it.
To answer your question, i am hindu. The situation has become so worse that they would take away his phone if they feel that he is talking to me. one night it got so bad that i was about to call 911 because that night they beat him so bad that he was bleeding. His parents wont let him even step out of his house and if they do there is always someone with him ( either his dad or mom ). i have no idea why they are so against of our love. we have done nothing to hurt them.
my boyfriend has talked to them about everything u have mentioned above. and his parents dont want to meet me at all. i tried meetig his mom but it was in vain. she didnt even stand there for a minute.all she said was “u have done some blackmagic on my child give me my old son back” i have talked to his parents over the phone to make them understand. but they just DONT want to understand. we have tried EVERYTHING from begging, pleading, requesting, getting angry/upset but NOTHING works on them. they are just very insecure and since my bf loves me a lot they just feel that if i enter into their family he will only do what I want. we have been trying for 3 months now to tell them it’s not true. my bf does not blame me for anything infact he is saying he has decided he wants to spend his life with me and if his parents cant respect his love he doesnt want them in his life anymore. and to be honest the only way to make this relationship work is for him to move out.
do you think now there is any other way to solve this than for him to move out ? we have tried communicating for 3 months now. and i keep asking about another solution to this situation because i feel super guilty about seperating parents from their child and also becos my parents arent supporting this decision.
p.s. my parents have supported us in every of our decision so far but now they are not supporting moving out decision ( cos our society and culture dont permit this )
Dear Guilty,
It’s hard if you have already tried talking to them and they refuse to change their minds… This probably means that they won’t change their minds. I do not like to judge, but honestly if they are physically abusing your boyfriend, then his parents are not great parents to begin with. I know in your religion things work differently, but abuse is abuse, and there is no excuse for it. You boyfriend is 24, he needs to stand up to them, tell them that if they don’t accept you in their lives, if they don’t accept your relationship then they can’t be in his life. (I know this is against your religion, but it’s either this or go your separate ways). I know you feel guilty but like I said, if they didn’t do this with you, they would have done it with another woman that he would have dated. Parents that are that controlling will never feel that anyone is ever good enough for their son. If your parents have supported you until now explain to them the situation, explain that you know it isn’t couture to move in with him without being married but this is the only way you guys can be together without something worse happening to him by his parents hands.
I know the both of you are in love, but any relationship where the parents disapprove and cause more hurt, is a hard relationship to keep. You have to keep communicating with your boyfriend and you have to stay strong. If you want this relationship to work, you will have to accept the situation as it is and not feel guilty about his separation from his family. The only one that is guilty for this separation is his parents.
If you want to make it work, stop feeling guilty. His parents will either have to accept your relationship or lose their son.
Good luck.
xo
kristin nicole