Repost:
Dear Kristin Nicole;
The Question:
OK my wife had an emotional affair around 2-3 years ago. Its started with emails and within only a few months it became a lot more. Since then I’ve been a mess, I used to be “Mr Calm” about everything she did and now I’m jealous and over thinking everything….but maybe I should be… you tell me. I found out she’s been chatting on facebook with this guy (also married) recently. He was one of the first people she added as a friend and she didn’t add his wife until a month later. After I found out she changed her password and also changed the settings on her phone so she wouldn’t get messages sent to our email. {sic} Yet everyday there are 15-20 internet/media net things on our phone bill. I’ve tested this and those don’t show up if you are just checking your email and she doesn’t do anything else on her phone/internet except email and facebook.
Other things….she has a job that she can change her schedule and take an hour or two off anytime during the day, he lives 2 minutes away from us, is a cop, she tans everyday and has an after hours pass, her best friend who she tells everything to had an affair with a married man for 10 years and they are now married, he’s a cop too and friends with this guy. I catch her in little lies here and there and I have to wonder why she would lie if she’s not up to something.
Things to consider… We’ve been together since she was in high school going on 11 years of marriage now and have two beautiful sons. We look like the perfect family and couple. Everywhere we go we are the best looking couple there. If I left now she wouldn’t be able to pay the bills herself, she would be screwed, if the guys wife found out she could ruin her name in this town and my wife is all about “who’s who”
OK that’s the best I can sum all this up , so tell me am I being crazy? And what suggestions do you have for me….
Additional Details
Oh… the first guy was also married and is not the same guy I’m talking about now… and yes I know I’m insecure, I hate it!!! My wife is not a cop just him, Oh did I mention her dad was a cheater all his life and she adores him. Also, Counseling…seriously thinking of that but really I just want to know if she is cheating because I’m halfway out the door right now. At this point we are currently lovey dovey with each other yet I still see the 15/20 internet thing a day on the phone. If I try to talk to her again about it she will just get pissed and think I’m crazy again, her reason for the changing of the passwords is cause she said she doesn’t want to be treated like a 13 year old. I have asked her already and she swears its nothing just small talk, swears she loves me, but I wonder who she thinks about during the day at work. Keylogger? You have to tell your spouse or that is invasion of privacy, if I told her she would just use her phone all the time, there are two many ways for her to get away with it. {sic}.
My Response:
Dear Cheated On;
Okay first let me start with “YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT HER THE FIRST TIME!” Cheating is the ultimate betrayal and you being insecure or not trusting her comes with that. Unless you fully forgave her and were able to move on the first time then this isn’t a healthy relationship. I don’t care about what other people think or that people think you look like the perfect couple, those other people don’t live with you and those other people don’t have to feel miserable with you either. Stop thinking about how she will manage, as long as you take care of your kids let her fend for herself, she made her bed now let her lie in it. (Okay cheesy line, and I never understood the analogy behind it but it seemed to fit here). Her best friend had a 10 year affair and ended up with the guy, doesn’t necessarily mean your wife will be do the same; however I have to go back to the phrase “Once a cheater always a cheater.”
I understand you have two boys you have to think about but be honest with yourself, kids are smart and if something isn’t right they are going to sense it. It isn’t healthy for anyone to stay in a relationship where there is no trust and cheating going around. If you feel you have to check her phone or look at how much she’s used her internet, your suspicions should tell you that something just isn’t right. She may have psychological issues that go back to her dad but she is a grown women and she knows that cheating is wrong. If you truly want to try to make things work, it’s not a one way street and she has to put effort into making things work as well, try marriage counseling. My advice though…. get an attorney, get full custody of your kids, and move out. Have respect for yourself. What are you teaching your children if you stay in a marriage that is full of lies? You deserve better.
xo,
kristin nicole
I found this answer on Yahoo.com
She Kristen and totally 100 percent right.. Something I have learned from the last few relationships I have had is follow your gut doesn’t lie.. It just doesntanother thing her saying you are crazy well what are cheater supposed to say?? You are right they are cheating.. that just doesn’t happen.. Could write a book on this why they do it excitement etc.. just know it is not about you.. its about them.. see in mine I am the type that has to have answers build a bigger case when I already know them and never listen to that inner voice because my head, heart and insecurities are trying to tell me different.. hey save yourself a lot of grief money time maybe even your health.. get away from that lady as fast and far as u can. Dont check her phone that is part of the game she plays.. you have the answers already that isn’t a love relationship as I understand it to be.. an old man told me years ago the key to his 45 year marriage Trust and Respect…
Sorry for the typos was working but u get what I am saying