My fiance is a manic depressive. We were engaged for 5 yrs, had a son. I was working full time 70 miles away from home, he was unemployed, staying home with the kids. The unemployment made him feel worthless and he stopped doing things around the house, was down 24/7, snippy, grouchy, etc. It got to the point where I left the house at 4am for work, got home at 6pm, and had to cook dinner, do laundry, bathe the kids, etc. I tried to help him, talk to him, love him. Nothing worked. He wouldn’t go to counseling because he didn’t have insurance, and he wouldn’t let me pay for it. After about a year or so, I couldn’t take it any more. I told him to move out. He left with nothing. He had no where to go. I felt horrible, but I felt like I had to do it to keep MY sanity and give my kids a good life. Flash forward. For the next “single” year of my life, I saw my ex-fiance at least 4 days a week. He would come to the house to see the kids, but he would spend most of his time telling me how much he loved me, how he had changed, and how he wanted his family back. He even admitted himself to a mental hospital for a few weeks and got on some meds. I am a pretty stubborn, independent woman, but after a year of this constant barrage of love and adoration, I gave in. I don’t want my kids to come from a broken home. My parents were married for 35 yrs before my dad passed. I thought I could make it work. It’s been 2 months. And about a month of that has been him being very insecure and depressed and just, well, weird. I am seriously considering just giving up. I don’t think I am a strong enough person to deal with an illness of this sort. He stopped taking his meds again because he doesn’t have insurance at his new job. I feel like a horrible person for not being able to deal with all this. I am afraid he will hurt himself if I make him leave again. His side of the family doesn’t really help him out, they don’t ever seem to see how serious things are. I guess I just need advice/opinions/and I’m sure I’ll get some haters.
You are in a hard position, because you have kids with this man I can understand not wanting them to grow up in a “broken home”, however with that said, is it any better for them to see their dad depressed all the time and acting the way he does and seeing you upset about it? It’s a hard decision and you have made it before, but I don’t find it selfish of you for thinking about yourself and your family before thinking of him. You can’t babysit him and if he can’t take control of his illness and find a way to take the medication to stay stable then there may be no hope for the two of you. Talk to him and explain to him that he needs to figure out how to get the medication or he needs to leave again. I know many people may find it selfish of you, or as if you were giving up, but sometimes we can’t control things in life, and we can’t fix them. You are an independent women and you will be fine; give him your support as a friend, and if you are truly madly in love with him, try to find a way to work things out, if you are staying with him just because of the kids, then re-evaluate your relationship and find a way to either stay together or move on. Living in a home with someone who is constantly depressed, insecure and so forth isn’t healthy for the children either, and don’t you think that is almost the same thing as a “broken home”?
They will still have their father in their lives, and you will still be there for him as a friend, but you cannot stay with someone just because you feel bad for them. Live your life too, you deserve to be happy.
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