Dear kristin nicole;
I have read all your blogs and I have decided to write you my concerns hoping to find help by answering all my questions,
but before that I need to narrate what happened.
My husband and I were together for 13yrs and married for 4yrs now we have a 3.5 yrs old daughter,he was my first love.
He is working for a luxury cruise line and away for 10 months.
It came to my attention recently that he’s been involved with a 21yrs old passenger and just last year he went off to London. He said that he will try to find a job there, but all along he was with her. He stayed in her house, and when he came back he was a bit cold. He doesn’t want sex, he told me that he’s no longer happy; as a wife I tried to fix whatever it is that was bothering him cause I thought this was just about money. He is depressed and I did whatever it takes for him to feel that he is not alone. On March 2010 he went back on board I thought we were ok then.
After he flew for work he will only place a call once a month and I never hear him say I love you…(Kristin I know you will tell me that he doesn’t love me anymore.)
In short my husband is having an affair and he’s been cheating on me for 4 long years, I read all of this from his emails that I don’t know about.. I confronted him and ask him all the questions that I am entitled to know; also I told him that I will report this to his manning agency here in the Philippines. He answered everything, and explained that he used the girl for him to have a job in London. He only did it for us to have a good life and to find a stable job but all he’s emails doesn’t look like he’s using the girl. He is begging me to accept him again not for the sake of our daughter but for the sake of our relationship, he also told me that he does not love the other women.
My question is:
1. Is he trying to fix this situation because he’s just afraid he might be terminated?
2. Does he really love me or he is already involved (emotionally) with this girl cause I’m thinking that aside from he opened up to me that he is no longer happy he doesn’t call us more often and no I love yous than the usual.
3. I am thinking of leaving him for him to learn his lesson and prove to him something but he is begging me not to do it; my worries is what if he is just doing all these sorry stuffs but in the long run he will only leave us.
4. What do you think the best thing to do cause my mind is all mixed up…
Kristin I know you can help me please do help me…
Looking forward for your reply.
Dear ms. blue;
Lets start off with that you have been married for four years, and he’s been cheating on you for FOUR years! He’s been unfaithful to you and your family from the moment you got married? Is this the type of person you want to truly spend the rest of your life with? I understand that some couples have to sacrifice time away from each other and I do not know the situation you are in at home financially, but being away for 10 months is way too long, when you have a wife and a child at home. You already said to me: “(Kristin I know you will tell me that he doesn’t love me anymore.)” I can’t say that he doesn’t love you, I am sure that a part of him does, because that is why he stayed with you, and that is why you have a child together, but loving someone and being in love with someone are two different things. Your husband has cheated on you and it doesn’t just affect you, it affects your daughter, your family.
Your husband only wanted to make it work when you threatened to tell his manning agency (I am assuming they do not tolerate infidelity). Do you realize that it wasn’t until you threatened him to tell his agency about the affair did he then only asked you not to leave him? Of course he is going to tell you things like, he doesn’t love this other women, and that he was only with her to get a job. “He did it for you”. REALLY?!? So is it okay for you to sleep with another man to get a better job? But it’s okay if you did it for him, right? NO IT’S NOT OKAY!!! That is a lame excuse and you should not fall for it. You need to have respect for yourself, love yourself, and realize that even though it hurts, even though you love him, that you deserve better than this!
To answer your questions directly:
1. Is he trying to fix this situation because he’s just afraid he might be terminated? I think you already know this answer, if not you wouldn’t be asking it. Like I already said, he didn’t start asking you to come back to him, or begging for you not to leave him until you threatened to tell his agency. What does this tell you?
2. Does he really love me or he is already involved (emotionally) with this girl cause I’m thinking that aside from he opened up to me that he is no longer happy he doesn’t call us more often and no I love yous than the usual? If the girl he was cheating on you with is 21 and he’s been cheating on you with her for 4 years, are you telling me that she was only 17 when he started sleeping with her? Okay 1. That is wrong on all levels. 2. If it is the same girl for 4 years then I think it may be clear to say that yes he is emotionally involved. 3. A 21 year old was supposed to get him a job in LONDON???? How much power does this girl have over there? 4. Are you sure this is the only girl he’s had an affair with?
He doesn’t call you and he doesn’t tell you I love you, does this sound like a man who really wants to save his marriage?
3. I am thinking of leaving him for him to learn his lesson and prove to him something but he is begging me not to do it; my worries is what if he is just doing all these sorry stuffs but in the long run he will only leave us? Do not leave him for the reasons you say. You leaving him is not going to teach him any kind of lesson he already doesn’t know. You can not leave him expecting him to learn some kind of lesson and come running back to you. You should leave him because he was unfaithful, you should leave him because you deserve someone to love you for you and be faithful to not only you but your daughter. Think about your daughter, is he?
4. What do you think the best thing to do cause my mind is all mixed up??? The best thing for you to do is really think about what you are feeling, read what you wrote to me, and truly find it inside you to get up and be strong.
No one deserves to be cheated on, no one deserves to feel the way you are feeling right now. Your husband has cheated on you, he’s betrayed your trust and your love. He has only asked for you not to leave him once you threatened to tell his agency, and he barely calls you or tells you that he loves you. He’s not only NOT calling you, he’s not calling to speak to his daughter that he barely sees. Is this a marriage? Is this a family? Have respect for yourself and love yourself. You can only be strong once you realize that you deserve a real man! A man who will work for his family but not cheat on his family.
~Remember to always respect yourself and love yourself, this is the only way one can see the truth in what we don’t want to see.~