Advice Column: My boyfriend Ignores me

Advice Column: My boyfriend Ignores me. Am I overreacting? 

Dear Kristin Nicole;

I just need to vent and with that I have a few questions. I just want to know if I’m overreacting? My boyfriend and I have been together for about two years. He is a great guy and he is actually a normal man. He is not a show off or a dog. He treats me amazing and 90% of the time I tell myself how lucky I am to have such an amazing person with me. Now, here’s what happens in between all the nice things. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t pay attention to me at all. If I say something to him, he sometimes ignores what I say and what pisses me off the most is that if someone else says something right after me he responds to them. It’s like what I say doesn’t mean anything. He also isn’t a very emotional person, from time to time he kisses me and hugs me but most of the time I have to kiss him and even then I feel like I’m begging for it. So going back to the emotions; when I ignore him or kind of mind my own business he comes up to me and acts all cute with me, plays with me ,and says cute things (this is rare), texts me in the morning asking me how is my day at work or school etc. Now when I go up to him and kiss him and all that, [sic] I feel like he pushes me away. He never tells me how he feels, so when I ask all he says is “I’m with you, I thought that was the answer and I don’t need to tell you how I feel, I thought you would know” and even after I have told him it’s nice to hear something nice from time to time he still doesn’t say anything or do anything. Now about sex. He never comes up to me anymore, hardly ever, but I know he is watching Porn. It just doesn’t make sense to me since I’m always there, basically asking for sex. Now for the past 3 days I’ve felt so distant from him. I feel like he is being cold and today I know he has been up for 3 hours since he had somewhere to go and I texted him twice both telling him good news and no response. For some reason from day one I always felt like he would cheat on me even though he has never given me any reason to think that. He has been nothing but loyal, so here is why I might be overreacting and over analyzing. I think that maybe my thought of him cheating or leaving me is making me paranoid which maybe is hurting us? Also there’s no reason to break up with me for another women. It would just be a waste of time and no need for that. I’m perfect for him. So my question is why does he act so weird and distant sometimes and when I ask it’s always nothing is wrong?

(Edited)

My Response:

Dear Emotional;

I do not think you are overreacting, sometimes as women we feel insecure when our men don’t tell us how they feel. It’s not to say they are doing something bad like cheating or that they don’t love us, but sometimes we have to stop over analyzing every little thing and just sit back and try to understand where they are coming from. I know you said you have already spoken to your boyfriend about how you feel, try again, try telling him how it makes you feel and that you want him to try a little harder. It might not come easy to him, to show emotions or be affectionate, so just try and give him time. He may never be overly affectionate with you and you have to accept that this is who he is and love him for him. As for the sex part, if he doesn’t initiate it, then you should. Spicing things up in the bedroom never hurt anyone.

If you don’t like that he is watching porn instead of having sex with you, then tell him. But don’t take it too personal, men sometimes just like watching porn and it doesn’t have anything to do with us. It doesn’t mean that he is not attracted to you or that he doesn’t love you. If he tells you he loves you and to not worry so much, then try to do just that. I know that it is easier said than done and I know that sometimes it’s hard to not feel insecure and have all these crazy ideas in your head but when you feel like you are driving yourself crazy, just remember that he has done nothing to make you not trust him. Trust is an important aspect in any relationship and you have to believe in it. Don’t ever stop communicating with him about how you feel, even if he doesn’t change, you will feel better letting him know, and work on it together.

I hope I could help. If you ever need to talk just email me.

xo,
kristin nicole

(2011)