Dear Kristin Nicole;
The Question: I was molested when I was younger. I don’t think I will ever find love, get married or have kids. Where do I go from here?
I was molested when I was 11 and 12, and I was bullied by most of the kids in school all through junior high and high school. Because of this, I’m not a confident person. I’ve never dated anyone, I don’t like being touched, and I don’t see how anyone could love me anyway. How do you tell someone in one breath that you never dated and the next that you aren’t a virgin? I’ve gone to psychologists, but I feel like they are a waste of money. I’m now 32, and I’ve accepted that I’m going to be alone the rest of my life. But, I’m afraid that I’m going to become this bitter old woman who makes everyone in her life miserable. I already have days that I feel bitter about it. How do I keep from becoming bitter and miserable? I know everyone has trials they have to go through, but I don’t understand why I had to go through these particular trials. They say that your life is what you make of it, but it’s not so easy to be happy and outgoing when you spent years of your life being told you are worthless and ugly and stupid and just not worth the time of day. I have tried to change myself, but it didn’t help. I still have that voice in the back of my head telling me I’m worthless. So I just exist. And what’s the point of life if you just exist? Now don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t kill myself. I have my faith, it took me years to find it, and I don’t believe in committing suicide, but it doesn’t keep me from questioning the point of my existence. Really, what is the point? I used to have dreams of getting married and having kids, and I don’t have those anymore. I gave up dreaming of things long ago, because it hurts too much, and I’m tired of being disappointed. Where do I go from here?
Dear Hard Life;
I am so sorry for what you have been through. I can’t imagine having gone through what you did and surviving it. I don’t think you give yourself enough credit. You found faith and you found a way to live life. You may not be living it to the fullest but you are living it.
I would suggest talking to a psychologist but it seems you have already been doing that. I wouldn’t stop doing it, but I would suggest perhaps finding a group of people to talk to. Sometimes there are groups in your area of people who have been through the same thing. Sometimes it’s easier to accept what has happened, knowing that you are not the only one out there who has gone through what you have been through.
They do say everything happens for a reason, unfortunately we don’t always know what those reasons are. I’m not going to lie, if you don’t like being touched, it will be difficult to have a relationship with someone. But maybe if you meet the right person you can push through your fear of being intimate with them.
It can’t be easy to admit you have never dated and then turn around and say you aren’t a virgin. But I think you are also over thinking this. It’s not an easy conversation to have with a man, but if he really cares about you, he won’t care what you have been through. You don’t have to start the conversation with I have never dated and by the way I am not a virgin. Just meet a guy and go out on a date. Talk normal conversations. If the subject of sex comes up, then you explain what happened to you. You don’t have to go into details if you don’t want to, but you can explain that it was a hard time for you and that it took you a while to get through it.
Just because this happened to you, doesn’t mean that you will be alone and never have kids for the rest of your life. You are putting limitations in your life. Don’t ever limit the power of love and what the future has in store for you. Whenever that little voice in the back of your head tells you how worthless you are, you have to STOP yourself. Remind yourself how beautiful you are and that you deserve happiness like any other person. No one deserves to go through what you did, but this does not mean that you are worthless or that you don’t deserve to find love and be happy.
Don’t ever give up on your dreams of finding love and having kids. Think positive thoughts, be positive and you will see what a difference this will do in your life. Remember that you are beautiful and that you deserve to be happy. Just because bad things happened to you when you were younger, doesn’t mean your life has to stop, or that you are limited to certain things in life. Once you truly accept what happened to you, you will be able to move on. I’m not saying it will be easy, there will probably be days that bring you back to that time period, but you have to try to pull yourself away from those thoughts and think about the good that has entered your life. Think happy thoughts. Go out there, meet friends and guys and have fun. Don’t ever think that you are worthless, because you are not.